8 Tips to Saying No!
This has been an uncomfortable topic for me in the past and I’m slowly learning to say no to family members and friends.
While I feel I had been getting much better at this as I moved through my spiritual journey, I still found myself feeling guilty for saying no! So then one day I decided, its time to say No!
Some people may be natural people pleasers and just want to say yes to make everyone happy. Or you could be like me, growing up in a household where family generation after generation of guilt has now reached you, are made to feel guilty for saying no. Raised this way, it takes time to realise, that you actually have a choice and don’t need to feel this way.
For most of my adult life, I’ve lived by what is important to me but always with the issue of the guilt after saying no or comprising things here and there to keep the peace. Eventually you are doing so many things to make them happy that some people don't even know who you are.
Here are some tips of what I have learnt so far about saying no:
Don’t take it personally! Some people will say horrible things to you, manipulate you, guilt trip you so that you will say yes. If it’s something you don’t want to do, there is no reason why you should be feeling bad about this. The issues are with that person alone and you can not change the way they feel – only the way you feel. Don’t take it personally and accept their point of view, listen and be calm, stand by what you belief in and let go of the negative feelings you hold around this discussion.
Saying No doesn’t mean you are a bad person Now you have said no to someone, this does not make you unkind, rude, disrespectful or selfish. There is no need to feel rejected, disliked or judged. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed for saying no. You’re an adult now and there is no reason to hold onto this childhood belief and feel like a bad person. And understand their tactics; like whining, bullying, guilt, manipulating and complementing. Don’t fall prey to this and know that you are not a bad person for having an opinion and saying no.
Stand by your values Before you can learn to say no, you need to understand that you need to love yourself your who you are, know what your beliefs are; and know that your opinion is the most important opinion. Don’t feel bad because you think someone’s opinion of you is more important than your own. You will never please everyone so It’s important that you are happy with your decision.
Remove the negative energy If a person, whether they be family or friends, make you feel guilty, threaten you, being unkind or give you any kind of negative energy that is not going to benefit your life; you should think about how this makes you feel? Are you always walking away feel low, stressed, depressed, flat, unhappy, rejected and guilty after a conversation with this person? Rethink why you have a relationship with this person. If their relationship is something you want to have in your life. As my good friend Nicole once told me ‘Some relationships are toxic, even if they are family’.
Be calm While you may be extremely upset with the things this person may have said to you to try and manipulate the response they want, don’t fall for this! Stay calm and keep your voice, controlled, firm and clear. Don’t raise your voice; this is going to show the other person your weakness and this is where they will try and exploit you. If they are not interested in listening and start yelling or talking over you, continue to talk calmly until you are not longer comfortable with the conversation. You are entitled to keep it brief and say you have to go.
Don’t apologise There is no reason for you to apologise for your opinion or for saying no. If you start apologising, this is also opening you up for the other person to still convince you to say yes. This is showing the other person your weakness point and they will keep going to get what they want. You are not selfish for wanted to say no! Apologising is for when you have done something wrong.
Explain why & be honest Give a very brief explanation of why you can’t do what they person wants and do it in a very calm and collected voice. No excuses or apologises, just why you can’t or why you belief in a certain point of view. Be honest. They may not want to listen to your honesty and that’s ok. All you can do is try and being honest with yourself is the most important thing. Remember, just because you are being honest and saying no, it does not mean that you don’t love the person.
Hold your ground Making a firm statement means you need to stick to it! If you don’t, then your family or friends will know they can push you over to get what they want. If you say something, mean it and follow through. E.g. If you say you are going to hang up the phone if they continue to yell at you, then do so!
After all of these changes, I have to admit, it can be take some time getting used to. Depending on the people you are dealing with it can be hard! However, so rewarding and you will feel so happy within yourself for making the change.
Especially if your family and friends are not used to this, it may seem like they are extremely offended by your comments and they may not know how to handle you saying no. They may react poorly and be abrupt with you but it’s just going to take time for people to learn these new boundaries. Stay kind, understand the reaction is not about you, its issues the person is dealing with themselves and over time they will slowly be more accepting. If they continue to be hostile and they attitude towards you has become very confronting with their mean behaviour, its time to think about how much time you want to be spending with this person? Do you want this negative energy in your life if their love is clearly conditional?
Feeling like you could fall back into old habits and its not worth it? Think about all of the stress, resentment and pain saying yes is ultimately going to cause you. Remember how you have felt in the past for saying yes when really you wanted to say no. Decide that it is definitely going to be worth it for you.
Surround yourself by positive influences and people that love you unconditionally. Don’t live your life for anyone else but yourself. If you are consistent with this, you will start to feel the most amazing peace! The clouds hanging over you will disappear and you will feel so free and completely empowered. Learning to say no has really been one of the best things I have done for myself. It has been challenging and rewarding.
It’s time to take control, challenge yourself with this change in your life and say no.
